One of the things I miss the most is a good nights sleep.

For the longest time, it has been quite elusive for me. The nighttime seems to awaken a lot of anxiety in me and this is the time all my inner demons come out and taunt me. These feelings of loneliness, fear, and self-pity, they’re all old familiar friends.To shut them up I have made it a point to sleep with my television on so I can focus on that instead, or perhaps to play music till I fall asleep. The funny thing is every time the sleep function of the TV kicks in and my room is enveloped in the quiet, I wake up. Although I must admit, every now and then, I am blessed with a blissfully restful night and that alone makes up for all the horrid nights of bad dreams and nightmares.

My friends tell me that I dream too much either because I simply have an active mind, or perhaps there are a lot of things my unconscious is bringing up to the surface, but whatever it is, sometimes, it gets too overwhelmingly frustrating.

Lately, however, I’ve noticed that although I still have lots of restless dreams, I have been sleeping more soundly, to some degree. I guess part of it is because of the medication my doctor friend prescribed to me (which, thankfully, helps me fall asleep quickly even if it is not one of those over-the-counter sleep aids) but besides the being able to actually sleep, the dreams I have are not so frightening anymore. In fact, many a night I dream of people who mean a lot to me, and I feel reassured and guided by these dreams.

Not too long ago, however, I had a dream that left me somewhat perplexed. The last time I had such a feeling was after a series of death dreams which eventually I realized was my unconscious’ way of helping me lay down some, errr, pardon the pun, dreams that were not mine anymore. In that series, I realized that I was forcing myself to keep on doing something I don’t really want to do for the heck of doing it and for the approval of others but it wasn’t for me. So after “killing” that dream, I was able to grow and become a better me.

A few nights after, I dreamt about my lolo, who, as those who know me very well, know is my hero. In that dream he was telling me that he was tired already of holding my hand when things got rough (errr…yes, tap into my abandonment issues why don’t you). The most recent, and the saddest and most disturbing, I must say, was that of Bubba dying of an infection and just before he did, he looked up at me with sad, sad eyes and said: this is your fault.

Ouch.

When I dreamt those dreams, it really cut me to the core, to the point that these past two and a half weeks have been marked with lots of binges that I know do not help but make me feel better at the moment. Undoubtedly these dreams came at a time when I did have some personal stresses going on in my waking life, so dreams can kinda sort of be expected but it’s strength and veracity often took my breath away.

However, after the series of dreams, I’ve been feeling this urge to just sit and do nothing. And in the past, I often fought against that, but this time, I heeded the urges and took some time off from work and just listened to my soul in silent solitude. And as things have begun to settle and it’s more quiet in my head, I realize these dreams are there to tell me  a little secret.

They’re telling me that as I am transitioning to a new life away from what is familiar (besides the weight loss, is also the loss of my role as Teacher Ria), I shouldn’t cling on too tightly too old patterns and habits, even if they have worked for me in the past. Also, I think it is a stark reminder for me to take responsibility for my feelings and actions. In a way, it made me remember that while I can draw strength from others and rely on lifelines thrown my way for support, I have it in me to make it through any storm that comes my way and that I should believe in that.

Most of all, these series of dreams reminded me to be kinder to myself and to stop blaming myself for misfortunes that come my way because perhaps, they aren’t misfortunes at all. And so now, nighttime’s aren’t so rough all the time…the dreams are there…the fear is still looming…the anxiety and the energies, both from within and externally still stir, but one thing different is that I’m not so afraid anymore.