A few years ago I picked up a piece of paper from my classroom floor. In it was a drawing that spoke volumes to me, so much so that even I had not yet mustered up the courage to have it permanently tattooed to my body, I knew it was the design for me.

It spoke so very much to me because just before I had found it, I wrote a poem that fit that illustration so perfectly and for some reason, I was immediately drawn to it.  See….unintentional, but it fit so right.

If you only knew what lies behind this painted mask, you would understand.

You’d understand that there’s so much left unseen.

If you only knew what hides behind the shadows of my smile, you would see it isn’t there.

You’d see the tears left uncried.

If you only knew that behind the shield of this warrior lays a scared little girl

a scared little girl who’s too afraid to admit she can’t….

she can’t let go…

she can’t be brave…

she can’t keep on pretending…

but till then, inside she shall remain,

hidden from the truth.

Hiding from reality.

Struggling to break free.

However, not too long ago, things changed for me in many, many ways. I guess I could call it growing up, or perhaps simply adapting to change. Then last night, a dear friend of mine from way back when posted a quote on her Facebook wall that went a little something like this:

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. ~Charles Darwin

I couldn’t help but smile when I read that, because honestly, responding to change is something I’ve been learning to do these past few months. I have never been a big believer of “just because” nor was I ever comfortable with the “let’s see”. I always felt that I needed to be certain about things, I needed to know and just be sure. Maybe to some degree that’s why I tend to talk too much, or say things (or want to be reassured of things for that matter) a little too often. Chalk it up to the little girl with abandonment issues in me or what not, but I never really learned to just trust. I suppose previous experiences with people around me and having my heart broken into a million itty bitty pieces did not help much either. Nonetheless, it took a long time for me to learn how to let people in to my life again.

It dawned on me that the reason the drawing no longer fit me was because I had allowed myself to open up to change and respond to it with faith, knowing deep down in my heart, no matter how uncomfortable, no matter how uncertain, and by all means no matter how difficult, it is there for a reason.

I cannot deny that every now and then, however, I find myself challenged by these unexpected changes. Instances and experiences, which I often call cosmic jokes, leave me stumped and thrown me in a loop that makes me question everything I work so hard for. One example is this continuous struggle with PCOS, which, yes, in my head should not be such a big deal, but in my heart, it still taps into all that old insecurity and sadness. But I guess I have learned to just go with it. Bahala na, because no matter what I do, there are really things beyond my control and I just have to believe in my heart of hearts that it will work out.

Today I am glad I did not end up with my original design for the tattoo. In fact, I didn’t end up with the second “original” design I had…

The inevitable always happens. We require only the discipline and patience to deal with it. - Paulo Coehlo

As I sit here and write this post I can’t help but smile at how randomly and spontaneously my final design evolved. All I knew is that if in the past I asked “if you only knew”, I realize, I myself never knew, or allowed myself to know. Perhaps that’s why I kept hiding behind the weight and the frumpy clothes, and the loud noise and boisterous joyful laughter I was known for. I was hiding, and from the get go, my heart and soul telling me that but I never let her go and fly to the light for fear that it might not be right, or accepted by others for that matter. However as I found my way to being at peace with just being me, and allowing myself to embrace the good and not so good parts of me, I realized that it is only by letting go and just trusting in the uncertain, catching bits of fairy dust along the way, can things actually fall into place.