"I'm a surgeon. I do the rescuing. You are not my knight in shining whatever." -yet another Grey's Anatomy quote

Okay, okay, I know this is a random rant…and that while I’m no surgeon, I too don’t really need a knight in shining whatever because I do the saving and err…I can do my own saving but but but….tonight I so want one to just make things better.

Today I had to go get my tires changed and yes, I know it isn’t a difficult task to do and I’ve done it many times before but for some reason, today it kinda left me teetering a wee bit. Add to that the fact that while I do honor and acknowledge all the wonderful things that have come my way, I’ve had a couple buttons pushed these past few days which is kinda stretching my personal resources to the limit. I guess part of it also is coming from me questioning who I am now, especially since I’ve lost quite a bit of weight and dropped a whole lot of old habits that I had become so accustomed to. I think it’s also coming from the fact that the year is ending and a lot of changes are coming my way, and being the kind of gal I am, I am teetering on edge…so much so that yesterday I had to throw a lifeline out to a dear friend because I caught myself eating to ease my anxiety. Luckily I caught it rather early on, but yes, I was eating because I was hurting, a little  sad and stressed beyond words.

I do know that a big part of this feeling of being on shifting sands comes from the fact that it’s December, and, well, let’s face it, it’s the one time in the year I feel most lonely and invisible. It’s never really been my favorite holiday because while it is indeed full of joy and love, it does highlight the sad fact that these are the things I miss most in my life…having that pure joy of being loved by someone other than my family. Yes, it is the one time in the year I feel most painfully, heartbreakingly alone and lonely. In a way it is also when I become even more aware of how much I miss people in my life. To some degree, seeing all the bright lights and festive decorations, despite all its beauty and joy, does not warm my heart but rather make that ache that has become so strangely familiar grow so much that it consumes me almost completely.

So today as I sat there, waiting for my car to be fixed, I kept on slipping down that slope.

Toink, I tell ya.

So for tonight, just for tonight (like I said in my Facebook page) can I be a damsel in distress please? I’m just so so soooo tired of taking care of myself right about now and having to do things for myself and by myself. So very, very, very tired.

Yes, I know I can make my own decisions and good ones at that. Yes, I can take care of things for myself and attend to things myself…heck I can not only change a tire on my own, I can build and assemble anything that’s given to me (errr…yes, that includes putting together a shelf for the home theater system in my room). Granted that I may do this through trial and error, but the fact is, I still am able to do it. Plus let’s not forget I’m pretty handy with tools and stuff, be these in the kitchen or in the garage. But…while I can do that all, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to. And yes, I’m tired of doing these alone. It’s kinda like while I love my independence and freedom, sometimes I wish I had someone to just talk to at night till I fall asleep and someone to wake up next to in the morning and have someone to go through the day with. Someone to remind me that I am loved despite of my shortcomings, and to wipe away tears, and to carry things for me literally and figuratively.

Yes, yes, I can hear you saying…but you have friends…you have family…you have this and that…and kaya mo naman e. I don’t discount that…but I still wish….

I do know, however, that not having that Knight in Shining Whatever allows me a whole lot of freedom to do things many others don’t have, so I don’t discount that fact. Tonight, however, I feel a wee bit lonely and as I walked my Bubba tonight, I looked up at the sky and made a wish that my Knight in Shining Whatever comes in his white horse some time soon. But….maybe we’ll keep the horse handy so he doesn’t have to stay forever teeeheeeheee….maybe I’m not ready for that yet