Strange how a teapot can represent at the same time the comforts of solitude and the pleasures of company. ~Author Unknown

Today I took myself out on a date.

Yes, a lunch date. I’ve done the whole watch a movie, go shopping, go on a road trip and have coffee alone in the past, but to actually go to a restaurant and ask for a table for one was something I had never done before. It always scared me too much. But today, I told myself to do myself a favor and go do that. So I did.

Okay, I know that sounds kinda funny and somewhat strange, but hear me out. Today I made a conscious choice to go out with just myself and just get to know myself better.

Why was this important for me? Well, a few years back,I thought I had figured out the secrets to a happy life and who I was. After all, this coincided with the time I was “reborn” and separated from my “Siamese twin” (a.k.a the 90 extra pounds I carried around with me). Oh, I felt like a whole new person back then! I was so happy and so caught up in this new identity that I never took the time out to sit and get to know who she was. In many ways, what I did was dive headfirst into this new person and I took her in completely and wholly, no longer caring for who she used to be. For all intents and purposes,  the person who existed in the fat body no longer existed.

Chalk it up to my all-or-nothing approach to many things in life, or my tendency to either swing from one end of a pendulum to another without recognizing the middle ground. Whatever it was, I no longer wanted to have anything to do with the fattened up version of me once I had lost the weight.

What I didn’t realize is that by only embracing that confident and thin girl who was able to turn heads her way, I lost essential parts of who I was…those parts that allowed me to care about having fun and just laughing, the bits of me that were carefree and spontaneous, and the pieces of me that actually knew how to live. Yes, despite being a prettier version of myself, I ended up being just a shell of who I used to be.

And so that didn’t work. Slowly I started putting on the weight again until I ballooned once more.

Then January of this year came and this blog was born together with my quest to becoming a Fat Girl No More.

So today, mindful of how I once lost myself as I lost all the weight, I decided to make it a point to just sit with myself and no one else. Okay, I will admit I did the iPod thing, mainly because I think I’m not comfortable enough yet to sit in a restaurant alone and not be distracted by the fact that there are groups of people around who see me and may wonder why I am sitting alone (eventually I really, really do hope to be able to sit without that headset!!!).

It’s funny though, that I did that today.

Of all the days since I started the whole Project Prettify Me thing, this was the one time I didn’t really get “dressed”. Sure I’ve done jeans day several times these past few weeks, but today was kind of different. I wore an ordinary shirt (cute nonetheless! and low cut as always mwahaha!) and jeans, and for once, flip flops. And yes, my customary heels stashed in the car were nowhere to be found. Apparently I had taken them with me the last time I wore them. And I even forgot  to put on earrings this morning. See…so unlike me! I say it’s funny because despite the ordinary dressed down me, I still did my make-up and I pulled my hair back into it’s cutesy curly ponytail. In many ways, I had the two sides of me on that date: the Prettified version of me, and the ordinary, just-me version of myself.

Over lunch I took the time out to recognize the different sides of me, from the left-brained academician to the right-brained artist. I took time to also get to know the sullen and irritable (and somewhat mataray) diva in me to the kindhearted compassionate giver that I am. I saw too the fun-loving preschool teacher in me and the grown up who has to be serious most the time. More than anything I recognized the bright, shiny and happy side of me right next to her darkened, scarred and insecure self. What I came to realize over lunch is that I don’t really have to pick sides and let only one of these sides exist.  In essence, by allowing them to co-exist in a space where no one is better than the other, by giving them equal opportunities to exist and realizing that both are valid and essential bits of me, I can be more than I already am. It is by having all of these different sides of me together that will allow me to grow and thrive.

The greatest thing that came out of this date, however, is the realization of why I, despite me being highly introverted, don’t like being alone. Yes, I am shy and I am an introvert and I really find being by myself (as long as I’m busy, such as by blogging or working) to be comforting. I don’t like being alone and sitting in silence because it scares me. It scares me to have to look at myself and just be comfortable with who I am.  I never really liked just being alone and being with just me because, in as much as I expect people to love and accept me for who I am, I wasn’t doing that fully. I was always too concerned with fitting a mold and giving what is expected to care about what it is I wanted or I needed. And because I never asked for those and since I tended to give and give of myself, I ended up depleted and empty. In many ways my behaviors have mirrored that…I actively seek ways to distract myself from who I really am. I hide behind the nice clothes, the high grades and achievements, the praise and accolade from others….when all I really want is to be seen for who I am on the inside.

Now that I am making strides in becoming a Fat Girl No More, I promised myself at lunch to take care of ME. And this doesn’t mean by shopping or by distracting myself with things around. To take care of me means to appreciate myself for who and what I am, even if these may not necessarily be liked by others.  To love me doesn’t necessarily have to be equated to having others love me too. And more than anything, to care for myself means to let myself go every once and a while to enjoy a cupcake and still remember that one should be enough…and that having that cupcake by no means makes me any less of who I am becoming.

Photo credit: “228/365: Tea Party for Two” by Janine, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved