I have a little secret.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, Life is a maze and love is a riddle, I don't know where to go, can't do it alone I've tried and I don't know why I'm just a little girl lost in the moment, I'm so scared but I don't show it, I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down, I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show

Behind the seemingly confident and self-assured smile I wear lies a highly anxious and fearful little girl who almost always in all sorts of situations, feels lost in the moment as she looks for that familiar and comforting smile of affirmation from people who love her. Yes, in as much as I may seem like I’m so old and wise because of life’s experiences, as well as calm and confident in the way I manage things on the outside, deep down inside I still feel like a child playing dress-up in a world that is unfamiliar and often times scary. While I may seem like I know what I’m doing, more often than not, I really have no idea and to be honest, I’m mostly amazed at how often I am able to wing things and succeed without even knowing how I did it.

There are very, very few things that I know for sure, in fact. I know how to take care of the people I love and to make sure they have everything they need, be it physically by making sure they get their one a day vitamins or what not, as well as in other aspects of their lives. I know how to give of myself, sometimes even to the point of forgetting to leave a bit for myself. I know how to teach others inside and outside of my classroom, I know how to make people feel better and to help them find the silver lining in any dark cloud that may come their way, and I know how to take a step back and let whoever needs it shine and soar, with me simply cheering in the sidelines, whispering prayers along the way.

But what I don’t know is how to be without that hat I wear when I’m with others…the hat that allows me to give, and love, and appreciate.

The thing is, I don’t know how to take care of myself in the same way I take care of others. I don’t know how to ask for what I need for a change or to admit to others how I feel. I don’t know how to let others help me through my own difficulties, often times keeping them to myself to the point of literally eating my way through these problems and emotions (yes, like any other emotional eater out there!). Nor can I learn to appreciate myself and believe in my own likeability, whether or not I am giving to others.  I more often than not do not know how to read between the lines or pick up on subtle nuances that are unfamiliar to me so much so that sister used to tease me that in as much as I can be sensitive to others, I am so darned dense when it comes to MYSELF  or when it comes to  ME AND OTHERS.

She says I either become overly attached or completely detached and distant. She says I care too much and I worry too much about the things I shouldn’t really worry about.  I suppose she’s right (um…yes, Chrissy, I never imagined saying that EVER!). Perhaps, this is why sometimes those who get to know me, as in really know me, beyond the smile and behind the mask, find themselves either amazed or confused or overwhelmed with how complicated I actually am.  I guess that’s why for a long time I hid behind my weight…there it was safe and familiar. And being in that not-so-pretty-kinda-unlikable place, I didn’t have to work so hard at caring about myself and so I would just give of myself rather than share who I really am.

So last night in one of our very, very rare “real” conversations, my sister goes “I don’t know how you can do it, Ri”. I answered: I don’t know too. I just do it and try my best to keep afloat, no matter what. I guess that’s still what I need to work on…finding the hat that fits me as I take care of myself and share myself with others as well. One that allows me to show that I can’t always do it all and that like others, I have my moments of being vulnerable as well. A hat that reminds that I don’t have to please everybody all the time so I can just be who or what I want without feeling like I am tiptoeing on eggshells all the time and that allows myself to come to terms with putting my needs first every once in a while.

Don’t get me wrong, however, it’s not that I don’t want to be nice to others and to care for them because I do, even if at times I may not get what I expect or find myself face to face with disappointments because I realized that no matter what, I like doing it anyway, the being there and loving others or caring for them, as well as the appreciating people around me and being grateful for the little things they bring to my life, that is.

Oh, and as the Lenka’s song, ‘The Show’ goes, I just try to let it go and enjoy the show.

Photo credit: “231/365: It’s the only time I feel like me, she said, & everyone else just thinks it’s dress-up” by Janine, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved