Yes, as of this weekend, my magic number is 21

I was a bit shocked to see the drop, to be honest, because I really didn’t think I was making that much progress. Well, I knew I was making improvements, but that much? It didn’t seem possible.

Admittedly compared to the the latter part of August and earlier in September, things were more rocky for me,  should I say?  While yes, I was still very happy, happier than I had been in a long time, but there were moments when I’d find myself on shaky ground. Being the emotional eater that I am, I had a few moments of slipping up, which at times bordered on thinking about just giving up and going with the comfortable. Whenever I’d be so anxious and stressed out, I would battle INTENSE (and I do mean intense) cravings for tubs of Haagen Dazs Cappuccino Truffle ice cream or cupcake after cupcake of yummy chocolate goodness. Yes, I cried out a lot for that in the past few weeks.

I tried very hard to stay strong, sometimes to the point of bordering on insanity. I swear. The only thing that kept me going was being able to blog about my cravings, because by “talking”  about it, I was able to beat that emo eater inside of me.

Plus, this whole Project Prettify me kept me motivated too. So instead of buying the ice cream or cupcakes, I turned to emotional shopping (okay, okay, I know replacing one addiction with another is not necessarily the most brilliant idea, but I needed something, so there.  haha). My poor credit card must hate me now. It has fallen prey to all these promos, sales and promises…yes, I got to the point where any point of advertising called out to me…uh-huh…those ads that said, “Hate your split ends? Try this miracle shampoo” and “Hate dry and flaky skin? discover the best face moisturizer with so-and so”. Yep…I gave in to them ALL.

So, I have all this great new stuff but was it taking away all my angst and antsy-ness?

Sadly, the answer was no. So over the weekend, I put myself on a time out and just went on a road trip to reflect on things around me. Before I left, though, I stepped on the scale and saw the dip. That boosted my morale a bit as I set off for the day, which I knew would be a difficult one for me. That day I had a very long conversation with my soul and really just touched base with who I am on the inside and I became acutely aware of how much I was still covering up for a lot of my feelings, both good and bad, that would, if left unchecked, for sure lead to no good in terms of my weight loss.

By the end of my trip, I realized that while I work my way to being a Fat Girl No More,  I still have to work on better managing my emotions and feelings because ultimately, that will be my downfall. So for now, I try not to insist on doing things in such a boxed, one-directional manner. I realized that for this to work, I have to take things with a bit of flexibility and openness. More importantly, I had to do this with a bit of kindness to myself.

As such, I think I will give up “cheat days”. Rather, I will just go with what feels right and what I want at that moment, because it is what I want and not because I NEED it. Does that make any sense? I guess the best way for me to explain it would be that if I do want a cupcake (or some ice cream…or a margarita for that matter ) , I will give in IF AND ONLY IF I know I am doing it because I want to and not because I need it to cover up for something I am going through. So, the second secret I have realized that is working for my diet (the first being happy, or should I say be at a place of peace and contentment), is mindfulness. Being mindful of what I chose to eat and partake of, not for the reason of watching and counting calories, but for the heck of knowing why I do things in the first place.

Pardon the rambling thoughts…too much going on right now but I kinda wanted to be sure to be able to get some of them down! Maybe when these thoughts are clearer, I can explain it better. For now, however, this has got to do Ktnxbai.