It’s been a while since my secret fears came to haunt me and suddenly today, I find it staring me in the face. Perhaps this is where my cupcake craving earlier this afternoon came from, or perhaps where the restless energy from yesterday was coming from. Yes, despite me being glued to my bed because I was soooo dizzy and weak from the worst menstrual period ever, I felt this stirring inside me.

Yes, I was being haunted by my fear of never having children of my own. As I said in my past posts, having PCOS makes having children may be difficult for me. Because of the past few days, I kinda feel that anxiety rising again. That and the possibility of something being wrong with me again in terms of my reproductive system. *sigh*

It brings me back to the time when I had to undergo several out-patient surgical procedures when I was younger. I remember fearing that maybe I had cancer or something like that, which actually isn’t a far off possibility given my family history. I remember back then I was thinking that it was kind of unfair if that had indeed happened. Why unfair? Well, for one I didn’t really do anything to deserve getting sick. Not that anyone really deserves to get sick, but my point was, I wasn’t a smoker or a drinker, so why me? I mean, if I had lung cancer because I smoked, I guess I’d have to live with that because I did make the choice to do things that I know could cause the disease. Similarly, I wasn’t working in toxic environments  or was exposed to elements like asbestos and chemical wastes. If I had mesothelioma cancer or something like that, then it would be understandable (granted that exposure was not really a choice, unlike the smoking example. I guess this is why there is a growing number of Mesothelioma lawyers and legal support for victims of toxic exposure). But to have something wrong when I haven’t done anything yet?!? That was getting to me.

So those fears are in the forefront again. I suppose part of my motivation for really getting this diet going was to attend to my hormonal problems as well, at least unconsciously. The thing is, I wasn’t expecting that it would haunt me this way.