photo from my favorite photographer 
Iris Acosta mwah!
It took me a long time to finally admit that I’m, once again, fat. After I had hit 215 pounds in 2000, I pulled up my bootstraps and worked hard at losing the weight. A year of sacrificing and focus really made a world of difference. I lost 85 pounds. To be fair, I was under strict medical supervision then for my PCOS and my hormones were going haywire then, even my immune system was shot as I got measles, German measles, GERD, bronchitis and severe asthma attacks in a span of only 8 months. But slowly my hormones started falling in place, my health was better and I eased up on the diet.
Wrong move.
Slowly, the pounds started creeping in. At first it was 3-5 pounds here and there, I’d lose a few then gain a lot until now I’m almost back to where I started. Almost, but not quite
*sigh*
Nonetheless, the biggest thing that I lost when I regained the weight was caring for myself in a good way. Because I became fat, my pretty clothes started to not fit me anymore and before I knew it, I stopped caring about the way I looked. I never let myself get too frumpy, I must say, but I didn’t really put an effort anymore at looking good.
The other night, however, I went out with some friends and I was dressed to impress (literally…wala nga lang yung gusto kong i-impress!) and it dawned on me that I missed that so much. I missed looking the way I did, spending time doing my hair and make-up and walking in super high stilettos (which, trust me, is difficult when you’re as big as me)
On the drive home, I got to thinking about other things that I’ve missed, such as:
- running around in high heels
- wearing skinny jeans
- jeans in general (you won’t believe how hard it is to find the perfect pair when you’re my size!)
- wearing a bikini
- seeing people look my way when I walk by
- flirting
- wearing short and sexy dresses
- finding clothes off the rack in my favorite clothing stores
- feeling confident about my looks
- appreciating my reflection in the mirror
Out of all those, what struck me most is missing how I appreciated myself before. As vain as this may sound, when I was skinny (or should I say, skinnier) I would smile at myself and think I was pretty when I’d look in the mirror. Now, what I notice is how long my hair has gotten or how my skin looks or what not. I don’t see ME anymore.
More than just that, I noticed that I have reverted to my old behaviors: poking fun at myself to hide my insecurities. I make jokes about my weight and give off all these side comments that I realized are not doing me any good.
So before the night ended, after being able to put on my stilettos and my tiny dress, I am motivated even more to find my way back to that right size for me. More so, I decided that while I’m working my way to being a Fat Girl No More, I will also say goodbye to Miss Un-pretty. Enough of the throwing on anything that fits and slipping on flip flops or my tattered Crocs.
and so….I went to work today all dolled up with matching heeled shoes and make-up
